New Year’s Eve party. I am on stage. Dancing and singing, making different people feel good, trying to figure our their taste, singing different kinds of songs. I am smiling and looking good. 250 dancing, tipsy people look at me and smile back, they dance and embrace the magic of the new-years-eve-party night. I seem to be happy too, well, I have to be happy. To be happy and to please everyone tonight – that is my job here. They pay me for it. To sing and to smile, to be flirtatious, to be charming, to be a little diva.
But all I had inside the last night were doubts of my own development, my growth I went through in the last years. I saw all the happy couples. I saw all the happy families and I just had a big fight with my own. In the NYE morning, where we are supposed to celebrate and reunite (we celebrate the NYE in Russia very big). We are a quite harmonious family, but fights happen sometimes, so it made me see so many things clearer. The timing was quite a crap. But it is ok and also healthy to have fights. But what motivated everyone yesterday to dramatize even more? Because yesterday was the new years eve and everything should be wonderful.
Nobody wants to take some unpleasant feelings into the next year.
Sounds quite childish. But that is what we believe to happen. Tomorrow, just over night, everything will be different. If we have a fight today, tomorrow we will change for the better. So we had a fight about nothing. About us having a different perception. About us being different and not noticing it. We haven’t really made it up. I know, that by tomorrow everything will be forgotten, it wasn’t the beginning of a war. Just a normal family fight. But what I realized yesterday – and that is why I am writing this blogpost – is worth gold.
I am so head to toe in self development and personal growth, in developing my spirituality, in observing myself from every possible angle, that I forgot, that not everyone is now going through the same. Yes, I am lucky that some of my best friends took the same route, so I can be almost my true self around them, but I forgot, that most of the people don’t even think about personal development. I forgot, that most of the people blame others for everything (it is easier). I forgot, that not everyone is practicing self-awareness and meditation. I forgot, that people don’t question, why this or that happens. I forgot, that they don’t see the precise reflection of themselves in every possible situation. Even if I am angry in that moment, after everything what happens I reflect, and I know, that it is me, who attracted it. I am not a tiniest bit responsible for the reaction of the others, either its my family, my partner or my kid, but I am responsible for what I say or do. I am. So is everyone else. But even if people become more and more slightly sensitive for their own nature, many of us – included myself – still have a long way to go. But why was I so wrong and why am I so thankful to my family for having shown me that piece of the “common reality”?
My Facebook news-line is full of spiritual quotes, full of spiritual articles and articles about self-development, because I either like those pages or all of my latest friends are like-minded people. The groups I am in are full of people, who have the high-consciousness levels. My closest friends, I spend the most time with, are also head to toe in self-development and spirituality. So to me it seems like the whole world is like that. That the only reality is: everyone is reflecting, everyone is trying to self-improve, everyone is trying to follow his/her real passion, everyone woke up from the corporate illusion, everyone hustles, everyone can be open about feelings, everyone makes his/her own self responsible for everything and everything (I can’t say it enough: everything !!!), everyone is authentic, everyone is honest, everyone knows what serves the universe and what doesn’t, everyone knows that balance is everything.
I wasn’t aware the last year, that even if the people around me are changing, they’re changing their own way. They develop their own way. Not the way I develop and grow. And it suddenly felt like we should go separate ways. It’s easy just to go away. But it’s more important to go out of your comfort zone and to find a common way, to go hand in hand, even if we are so different. Even if we don’t think the same, don’t look into the same direction, have different interests, perceive things totally different way. I’ve never been so aware of how different we all are, as yesterday, thanks to my family. There is a beautiful quote of Ram Dass which says:
“If you think you’re enlightened go spend a week with your family”
So I hope many people can agree, that our relatives and close family members often unconsciously know our weakest spots and succeed to go back there, where we were many months or years ago. They don’t want to see that we have changed. They make bad sides appear on which we work so hard. It seems to them like we are the same. It seems to them like we didn’t change. Like we are the same teenagers who don’t tolerate, who are not compassionate, who don’t accept, who aren’t flexible, who aren’t kind. I felt all of it. And the more you try to prove to them, that you have changed, that you work so hard, that you are going out of your comfort zone all the time, that you struggle so much – the more you fail. The more weaknesses they will find to tell you: “see you’re the same”. So did it seem to me. As if I would be the same ignorant kid. But yes, that kid is a part of me. I have that ignorant kid living inside of me, always trying to prove itself.
Writing this, I see how much I did grow. Yesterday, even if my actions didn’t match my thoughts, my consciousness level went through the roof. I am calm about a little conflict, which would have gotten the hell out of me some years ago. I am not blaming myself. I am not feeling guilt. I take responsibility for what happened and I will avoid to play a rude game with their weakest spots (I know so well) too.
If it is family or close friends, or your lover or your grandmother – we have chosen all of those people to improve our souls, to even our consciousness. It amazes me how perfect and logical the presence of each and every person in my life is. Exactly your family shows you the most beautiful and caring, but also the worst sides of you. Being aware of those sides, experience and accept them is an endless pleasure. Your soul have chosen to be in that family. But there is one little thing, that is making all of it much easier if you really apply it:
You actually owe only one person the greatest love, kindness and balance.
That person is you.
That is me.