Within the last 7 days I started to write about 4 new blogposts. I loved writing them. But I didn’t publish a single blogpost. I am afraid. I am afraid and intimidated. They are erotic. They are about sexual experiences and expressions. They are about … my own sexual experiences and expressions.
Even if they’re not pejorative porn-like, but nice erotic, very illuminating and tasteful stories – I am still intimidated to post such personal and intimate material. Even if I want to share them so much to encourage some interested people and maybe to throw a new light on some sexual aspects (I am not talking about the actual intercourse, I am more talking about the mindfulness behind sex, about the philosophy and the beautiful use for my daily life, which I derived from certain experiences), as I said, – I didn’t publish one. There is a huge dualism on my mind, which is really freaking me out and tearing me apart. Here we go:
1. I am scared of what others might think about me
I am damn scared of judgement. Of judgment of people who know me and who I know, who I got to know lately or will get to know soon. So actually of all of them. If I write about sex, what would they think? Probably – “hey sl*t” or “oh, is that the sl*t who wrote about her sex life?” or “I knew she is a sl*t” or “thanx god, I am not as sl*tty as her” or “I can offer her sex, she’s a sl*t”. That is what is going through my mind. Through my mind goes, that people could and probably will misunderstand me. That they won’t get my point. That they will think about me depreciatively. I am even scared to write this now.
But at the end, almost everyone has now and then some erotic experiences, right? In different forms and expressions. But we feel erotic. Would be sad if we wouldn’t. And after all – I love to talk about sex (If I will have enough courage to publish my blogpost, you will read why).
Now imagine if a cool, charming guy, such as my favorite blogger Mark Manson, would write an article about sex, about his great sexual experience with a great, beautiful girl, who impacted him and who made him grow – it would be amazing to read, huh? I would celebrate him. I would really love to read it. I would be very happy to read it, yet, as a woman (or: yet, as me) I am so scared to share my experiences. If you’re a woman, you know why, no need for explanations.
2. I don’t give a shit what others might think about me
We live in a 21.st century. We talk about sex. We experience sex. Sex is amazing. Sex makes us feel alive and keeps us young. It makes us happy and makes us vulnerable. It makes us experience ourselves in new roles, in new ways and we learn so much about ourselves through sex. Why should I care what others think about me, if I talk about it in public? (yeah, why, but I somehow do care). Either I share my innocent erotic stories or I share my four-some bdsm stories – who cares? Who is there to judge me? Except myself – nobody.
Still, I am sitting in front of my laptop and can’t publish one single blogpost about my experience, because I think, that I will be judged. And if there is still somebody left, who will judge me, what role does that person play in my personal life? What importance should I give to such people? On the importance-scale from 0 to 10, its importance should be pretty exactly about zero.
Phewww…there is something called comfort zone. There is something called privacy. But there is also something called – urge to share. I am a big supporter of talking openly about sex. It’s a topic which mostly makes you go out of your comfort zone. It’s a topic which makes you happy. It’s a topic which makes you grow. It’s a topic which makes you feel feminine / masculine. It’s a topic which gives you pleasant body sensations. To be open in your own sexuality, means you are at home with your mind and with your body. It means you are in balance. Sex is art and it is expression.
Nowhere else you can be as vulnerable, as dominant, as strong, as creative, as giving, as accepting, as caring, as loving, as beautiful, as natural, as authentic – all at one place. Nowhere else you can create a magic space between two people as while you are making love, having sex, having intimacy, call it however you want. So why are we hiding the most beautiful experiences? Because unfortunately it is still not ‘normal’ to talk about great things openly: sex, our achievements, our feelings, our happiness, our talents, our infinite amount of great ideas, our beautiful thoughts. And I have learned in the past to stay modest, to shut up, to always give my best to be a good girl.
This blogpost is kind of a self-therapy of my own judgement, of my fears to share what I want to share. Even now I am breaking out in a sweat a bit to post this blogpost, left alone stand, to post the ones I wrote within the last days. But I really want to start (or if there’s already one – to continue) a conversation about “applied sexual experiences in real life”. I’m not interested to talk about regular coitus and what pose one could prefer, I don’t care about that. What I care about are:
Experiences caused by sexual expressions, which we can apply in life.
Experiences caused by sexual expressions, which make us grow spiritually.
Experiences caused by sexual expressions, which make our life better and make us grow personally.
I want to share with the world what wisdom came to me while I was meditating at the Vipassana Mediation Center, what wisdom came to me while having drinks with wonderful men, what wisdom came to me while talking to gorgeous women, what wisdom came to me while meeting amazing spiritual people, what wisdom came to me when I started to express my own femininity and my own creativity in the context of sexuality.
After all, if we don’t share ourselves in a way, we would love to share, we will suffer from it eventually. It’s all about taking action and creating integrity and beauty in this world.
Yes, I will be publishing my blogposts … when time arrives 😀
Lots of love to you and a polite *meow*