My mental full-time job lately is neither thinking about my corporate job, my future or my private life, nor my singing gigs or my writing. I can’t change it for now and it takes a lot of my energy away. As much as exciting it is to live a life of an ancient thinker, it is exhausting too. What I am concerned about is the meaning of … like fucking everything.
First of all of course there is the question about the meaning of my own existence, then there is the meaning of what I do, what my purpose is, how I can serve my best, what the meaning of the existence of other people in my life is, what the meaning of everything what happens to me is, the meaning of the meaning itself.
Recently, for the very first time, I literally experienced the “consciousness” behind my thoughts. The being that is aware of the awareness, but nothing more. It may sound weird, but that is the most beautiful experience I’ve ever had. It is the experience where there is no time, no distinctions, no suffering. There is just the equanimity. I guess, equanimity and love.
It is a natural part of the awakening cycle. Struggling with the dualism of conscious and unconscious, with what is the right or wrong way of living, what is the power of word, the power of doing nothing, the power of calming your mind, of meditation, of healthy habits, of the only important relationship to yourself. To understand at the end of the day, that the only thing that is (and actually I’m not so sure about that either), is that we are alive and that there is certainly a purpose for everybody and everything in our universe.
The universe is perfect. If I sometimes doubt, why I meet a special person on my way and why this or that is still happening to me, why I am sad or depressed without a real reason sometimes, why I fall in love quickly, why I doubt my appearance, why I am still doing what I am doing, etc – the perfect universe reminds me immediatly on the meaning of each occurrence. Now the learning curve is as short as never. Sometimes I get my lesson within hours, minutes, even seconds. I get my lessons and all of the answers just in the moment, when the question appears.
The universe is there only for me.
I know it, because I train my mind every second, I observe each and every part of my body, of my thoughts, of my sensations. I aim to meditate every second of my life. It’s a practice like everything else. Lucky people, who become self-aware over night (if there are such). In my case it’s an eternal work-in-progress. I am a work-in-progress. I hope it to stay that way, because that means that I grow. And as we all know, there is no limit for growth.
In this very messy and confusing self-development, there is such a perfect beauty. I fully enjoy even the “less pleasant” moments in my life, because I feel why they happen. I feel their meaning. The ‘learned behavior’ is the enemy, it brings you down and provokes all the questions about the meaning. The only meaning there is, is that each one of us is a perfectly fitted, highly needed, incredible worthy part of the universe.
The meaning is us to be ourselves. Most authentic. To let our being flow and open up to the universe, open up our nature, let others look inside of that beauty, learn and teach with our being. The meaning it to trust the natural flow of life.
Each person and each situation plays a perfect role in our lives. One should just observe it. And where it feels wrong – there it should be observed even more detailed. It is us – the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’. If somebody is in our life – it is us. If something happens with us – it is us as well.
The meaning is us to BE. To embrace with love. To let it flow.
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