Finally I decided to attend at the 10-Days Vipassana Retreat in Triebel. I was scared like hell, I did not know what to expect. How could I comply the Noble Silence (silence of body, speech and mind), how could I meditate 12 hours a day, how could I just remain with me and my thoughts? I had so many questions and no single answer. But well, I went there, without expectations, but with a lot of speculations.
After the 10 days there, besides thousands of new insights about myself, about my wisdom, about my life, about my thoughts, about my relationships, about my body and my mind, here the 5 most important things I learned during the course:
1. If I don’t feel safe, I run.
The meditation place I got assigned was between two women, who were utterly unpleasent to me from the beginning on (there are reasons, partly my stereotypes and partly the negativity of one of them). I was literally looking forward not to communicate with them ever again, and BANG – I sit between them, out of 50 women, I sit between those two, who (as I thought) made me feel awkward. So what did I do? I ran to the teacher immediately and asked him to change my meditation spot. When he asked me the “why”, I knew, that I just did not feel safe here, I just did not feel secure around them. My teacher did not let me change my place. Life sends me an easy lesson to learn, whispering me “Olga, embrace it, don’t run away, face unpleasant people in your life, accept the fact, that there always will be some people, you don’t feel safe around”. But either you run or just take it as it is. So I needed 8 Days to completely calm down and not to feel their negative energy around me. And I realized how often I run away, if I don’t feel safe. Heartbreak? Let’s move to Italy. Insecure? Let’s dump the nice guy. And so on. What an important lesson..next time I will just come back to breath, before making any decision.
So for the very first time I had a date with my own mind for 10 days. 24 hours a day. Just me and my mind. And my mind is my biggest creative friend and my biggest, horrific enemy. I lived 10 lifes within 10 days. I lived drama, I lived creative depressions, I lived infinite happiness, I lived bad mood, good mood, I lived an artistic life, a normal life, a nomad life, I moved all over the world, I made lots of decisions…but in fact: I was sitting 12 hours a day and not moving my finger. It felt so intense, that I understood, that all the misery just comes from the mind and the over-trashed brain. Meditation practice did not heal my mind, but now I accept and am sensitive: thoughts are there, the mind is wandering, it is not you, the most of our problems are not even there, they just don’t exist, relax, relax, don’t panic.
When people do not talk, when they do not have any emotions in their faces, when they do not express themselves, when they do not wear make-up, when they are just as imperfectly perfect as they were born – they all seem pretty much enlightened, they seem good-hearted, they have pain, they have struggles, they have fears, they feel guilt and they love. As soon as the Noble Silence was set aside, some people suddenly became arrogant, others extremely nice, others extremely negative, others extremely scared, you just noticed how some of them felt the need to impress each other, to prove themselves and it was so typical for the “real world”. People were not good-natured as they actually are anymore, not authentic as they probably would like to be, they just returned to follow the rules of our matrix. So, just by looking at someone – how much can we say about that person? Pretty much zero.
As I mentioned previously, my moods changed, my attitude changed, the pain in my body changed, the weather changed, the people changed their attitudes too, they changed the light in their eyes. Everything is constantly changing. Ain’t it self-explanatory? Ain’t it perfectly clear? So how much suffering are we ready to cause ourselves? It will change anyway. So why not shorten this process from the beginning on? Why to go overborad out of happiness? That state will change too. Why to complain about the little rain? It will change too. Life is so perfectly executed. I have never been more grateful for the unpleasant, I was never been more neutral to all the beauty, because it is all change. Because all of it will change eventually. The good, the less good, the suffering, the heartache, the age, the appearance, the attitude, the surrounding, just all of it. Anicca. Anicca.
Each one of us has a story. You do and I do too. Each one of us came there and hoped for a solution. Hoped to go home new-born. But 10 days can’t eradicate 20, 30, 40, 50 years of living a complete opposite life of the one you truly want to live. Yes, for those, who have enough self-awareness Vipassana is logic, it is a blessing, because you take the lessons you need from the silence, from your own power, from the nature. Vipassana is a good tool to live a more fulfilled life. Vipassana shows you the path, if you have lost it. But Vipassana will not resolve your problems if you are not ready to change, to take action and in front of all to take the full responsibility for everything, what happens in your life. Because yes, it is fair, although it seems so unfair and yes, you have to go through these lessons, yes you have to find the wisdom, which is suitable only for you, yes you have to stand up for your own life.
Vipassana was the right choice. It was amazing. It was so intense. Vipassana means taking things as they are. Accepting the things as they are and not as you want them to be. Vipassana is finding your own wisdom. Vipassana is using your own resources. I came back and did not succeed to meditate two hours a day, but I do meditate all the time during the day. I come back to breath. I feel so many sensations on my body. I apply my inner wisdom. And embrace the good and the less good things with a huge gratitude, always following the Dhamma.