Well, welcome in the Land of Fear of Judgement. You will be pretty much disappointed, but most of the time you have no idea, what goes on in other people’s heads. You don’t even trust your own thoughts. You have no idea. I have no idea. No one has an idea. You have no idea, what they are thinking, simply because they do not share their real thoughts. You have no idea, what they feel, because they don’t express their feelings. They often say, what they “should” say or the wiser ones – what you want to hear. They mostly don’t vocalize what they would like to vocalize. They are scared. I am scared. We all are mostly (un-) consciously scared of judgement. And judgement seems to be the result of expectations.
We almost never share ourselves. But still we expect the people to see through us. We expect them to feel us. We expect them to understand. We expect them to accept, what they don’t even know. We expect them not to judge.
Lately, I’ve had the most unexpected experiences. The coolest male “Daredevil” ever suddenly were showing his most vulnerable sides, crying, sharing his pain and real feelings, sharing his weaknesses with me, sharing his habits. Another beautiful, intelligent men, who I met online really turned out to be 33 years old virgin and rejected me, because he (allegedly) “wanted me too much” and could not risk his own beliefs and break his own promises. An open-minded friend of mine imprinted into his head that he can’t love anyone, he is just not able to love, that he doesn’t even love his mom. Friends with kids, who are scared to screw up their parent-ships are anxious to talk about their experiences. Professionals, who are seeking for jobs and don’t have the success they merit.
In the first moment, I honestly felt judgment, when they opened up, because I am not used to so much truth. I am not used to listen without giving out advises. I am not used to people undress their souls. But I had no idea what they care inside. And it really scared me and intimidated me, that strong, cool, funny, successful people have pain too. That they love too, that they want to be loved back too, and they want to be vulnerable too. They need compassion, they just want to talk, they want to be weak and that someone, who is human, just listens. But after that I realized one simple thing:
All of that is me. I judge myself = I judge them.
It feels like a Catch-22, but I’ve been judgmental, because I judge myself, for often not being honest enough. We always judge things we suffer from the most ourselves. I want to share my thoughts and my real feelings, I want to be comfortable in my vulnerability. I am scared too, when I like someone and I feel utterly insecure. I have made promises to myself too, which are hard to break, and often hold me back. I am scared to screw up my relationships and that my kids will judge me (if I had some) for not living up to their expectations. A am scared not to realize myself as a professional. I feel bad for not having enough contact with my parents, because I am “lacking time”. I am scared that I couldn’t love my partner unconditionally, I am scared that I am not worthy to be loved unconditionally back. So I judge.
Moral: To feel judgement is amazing, to embrce it and to let it go asap. Judgement has shown me new great sides of myself, has opened up my eyes. The next time you feel judgement, breath in and ask yourself if it is not yourself, who you are trying to judge, And you will see immediatly how awesome it is to open up, how heavenly it is to be truthful, how divine it is to share your weaknesses.
And then all is left to say will be instead:
I love you, because I am you.