Madonna is busy. Obama is busy. All the office workers are busy. The pope is busy. Maya the bee is busy. But hell, I am really sooooooo busy*….
In the last two years I’ve had a lot of changes regarding my work and hobbies. I tried a lot of completely new things, some of them even became my new hobbies. I love it to be busy, I love it to have multiple hobbies and I love doing different and new things. Well, I am actually pretty busy. So to have an approximate overview of what I am doing now:
Currently I have a “normal” corporate job, I have my music-gigs on weekends, I have my blog, I do some eCommerce for a big event (that means online conferences and research in the evenings after my office work), I write poetry and songs, I am working on my own secret project, I try to keep alive my language skills, I network a lot, I learn basic sales skills in the IT branch from a genius friend of mine, I read a lot, I have an unsuccessful instafood-blog (but still I want to do it), I just started to create my new podcast, after a friend of mine came up with that idea, I practice meditation, I am writing my thesis, which I procrastinated to write for at least a year, I also want to have a social life and meet my friends, family and also new people. I understand, that it is my choice, I understand, that I should cut it off, because for me it’s definitely too fucking much.
Productivity Level: ZERO
or what happened in the last two weeks for the very first time in my life:
I didn’t do a single shit. All I do is complaining that I don’t have time for all I need and have to do. At the office, I think about the event. While thinking about a new facebook-campaign for our event, I think about my parents, who I didn’t see weeks. When my dad comes over to visit me, I think about my thesis I need to write, when I sit down to write my thesis, I think about yoga, I didn’t do since a month and so on…Damn labyrinth I put myself in and lost all the way out.
De facto, all I do instead is: I sleep 13 hours a day, sit and watch my wall, tell people, that I am very busy, but in reality I do nothing. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know if I should write my thesis now or clean my flat, I don’t know if I should work on my podcast or invent a new nice campaign for the great event. I don’t know if I should run back to the office or take a day off. I just don’t know. And all I feel is…guilt. I feel guilt, that I don’t do my work, that I don’t get shit done, that I don’t see my parents, that I don’t come closer to my goals, that I don’t grow professionally and personally. I feel guilt towards other people, who expect me to get stuff done. I have a feeling that I procrastinate life. I am absolutely overstrained. And I feel like a big loser.
Basically, I am quite active, I am always curious. But since I decided that I can do it all and I can do it all good – I am one big failure. As I told that to my best friends today in the morning, one of them told me to stop for a second and to enjoy some free time. To take some days off and just to enjoy them. To believe, that I do deserve to have a completely free time, that I deserve to “vegetate” some days and I do deserve to stare at my wall, without having the merest hint of crisis of conscience. That I do deserve to relax and then I will start everything with a fresh and recovered mind and body. As I have read his words in our whatsapp group I had a “hallelujah-moment”. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
It’s okay to have some free time and just doing nothing. It is not necessary to always full-pack the business days and the weekends with potential “work”. It is okay if you’re not on top all the time. It’s okay to make time for your friends and family and not dumbing them, cause you’re sooooo freaking busy.
And it is important to set priorities. So just now I decided to take at least the few christmas days off and to relax and maybe to have a light brainstorm about my priorities.
So what are my priorities?
I want to finish my thesis, it’s chasing me like a wasp. I want to keep on writing and improving my focus on one topic at a time. I’d love to see how I can apply my eCommerce skills in a cool startup and I want to keep on improving my old and learning new languages. I want to keep on singing and recoding my own songs. I want to do my podcast. I want to continue cooking for my bad food-blog. I want to stay with my awesome team and support our common project, I want to song-write. I want to live my spiritual life and learn more about myself. I want to spread that knowledge. I want to communicate with awesome like-minded people. I want to meditate. I want to meet my friends and family. I want to practice more yoga and to go to the gym more often. Ah yeah, I want to make an south america trip for at least 4 months soon and then also go and see the Baykal Sea. I want to go to live in Apulia for some time. (…ahahahahah…**)
But damn, I forgot that I (actually really enjoy to) sleep 13 hours a day… 
Fun aside, the moral is that the last two weeks of a pre-burn-out-syndrome helped me to understand, that yes each one of us – want it all. But we can’t do all the things we want simultaneously. One step at a time. Focusing. Being aware. If I even will do it all in the future, I want to keep in mind, that if I write my blog – I write my blog. My thoughts are here, in my blog, and not getting lost in feelings of guilt, that I have to do this or that. And if I at least can accomplish 1/3 of my projects – it is a success. And then I will take time to feel pride and recover. Because we forget all the time how far we made it..and it is quite far. So after I post this, I go to visit my friends and will drink some good Morellino di Scansano and just feel good about vegetating on a friend’s sofa
I send tons of love to everyone.
No, wait…to each one of you at a time.
Buon natale, awesome people! Please, feel pride about your GREAT accomplishments!
*if, after reading the whole blogpost, you’re still confused, why I put myself in the same line with Madonna, Obama and the pope – it’s a joke. I find it is quite funny, ahahah
**if you have another idea, how I can express laughter – please pm me
Pard: tooloans.com